Dear Sonnetti,
Its all over. Her engagement was a couple of weeks back. In poetic terms, you could say that she now belongs to someone else. I will now have to permanently resign her to the backdrop of my memories. Which, definitely, will not be all that easy.
It isn’t a surprise announcement. I knew about the date almost a couple of months back – which was perhaps, the last time I spoke to her – and was always expecting a bit of a teary day, but in the end, it turned out to a bit more tearier than I anticipated. There were folks around – 4 parasites this time, including the Grand Old Man of GEC – so it must have been more advisable to park the tears away until the next morning when all and sundry would groan and drag themselves towards their offices, leaving me all alone in the confines of my place. In contrast though, the parasites had other ideas. I am not certain how the night would have turned out had I been all alone, but having Ammavan and the others around did not make it any better. Rather, it made the situation worse.
It was always this way. Do you remember my Graphics arrear, dear? All those years back. It was not easy to swallow, especially after Mr. I-Sleep-All-The-Time Neville John had gotten away with a full-pass, but I had done admirably well to keep my emotions in check. But I did eventually cry that evening. When was that? Not when I saw my result. Not when I learnt of King Kong John’s result. Not when I thought of solids and cones and Graphics Sir’s face and his w-w-w-words. It was after a certain person called me from Chennai, consoled me and assured me that everything was right and all was well. Oh, what wonders Mom’s voice can work. I am certain that she must have been weeping after the call. She didn’t probably know though, that her kind words and her constant consoling had created the same effect in her son as well.
That day, Ammavan was the one to do the physical consoling (You know, the hugs, the shoulder-patting, the head-hair caressing and all that stuff). He was on hand again this night. Yes, I wasn’t alright – I was thinking of her, the guy and what had happened over the last seven years. And then, along comes Ammavan after seeing that pic on FB, lies down next to me and without the slightest intimation, begins the barrage of sympathy and kind words. Which, naturally, gets me to break my dam and turn the other way. I did not deserve those words. I wasn’t to be sympathized. If anything had gone wrong between me and her, I was to be blamed whichever way you looked at it, so I was truly undeserving of those words. I did not want anyone to feel sorry for me. I have said and written plenty about her, me and the sole problem between us so I’ll just put the bottomline as We Just Weren’t Meant To Be Together….
So what now? Has our story ended? Does she appear in my future or has her role in my life ended permanently? It will probably be easy to anticipate that both of us would resist keeping contact but frankly, even at this stage, I’d find that a huge surprise. Yes, things have changed rapidly ever since the breakup and she has moved on more swiftly than I imagined, but I was always the central character in her life over the last so many years. Eliminating such an important person from your life is never simple and I doubt whether she’ll be able to do it either. She hasn’t called or texted in the last couple of months – and thats a first – but I can’t get myself to believe it’ll last forever. I am not thinking much about it though. I’m just leaving it for time to decide.
It is quite easy to say that I have moved on and the guys close to me now (literally) can vouch for that. Maybe, even to an extent, she is completely out of my system Someday soon, she’ll probably become the girl I once loved. Just that. Nothing else.
And yes, I have no regrets about whats happened. Despite the eventual disappointment, I am still glad that she was there in my life. I am happy that I could call her mine, briefly though it was. I know its no consolation, but that is the only positive I can think of.
But I am after all, a boy. A normal, ordinary, next-door boy, who has his moments of pain, longing and jealousy. And all the philosophic rationalizations and optimistic explanations that I can conjure up, do not keep me from wanting her. And despite my claims of having moved on, there are moments when I wish she were still there in my life. Random moments. Maybe when I see an old photo. Or an old SMS. An old conversation. Or when we get talking of some college topic. And understandably, it is not difficult to get her picture into my thoughts. Having been with her for the best part of six years, it is not surprising if anything and everything remind me of her. Someday soon, that wont be the case. Irrespective of whether I desire it or not…
I don’t know what you’ll make of all this, my dear. I have no idea on how you are going to perceive all this. All I’d advise you, is to be open to love. I have spent many a sleepless night thinking of the past, pondering on what went wrong and juggling plenty of difficult questions in my head. And wondering what if I had taken a different step. But despite all that, I can say without any trace of doubt that the times I have spent with her have been the best times of my life. I am sad that they did not bear fruit but I am glad that I had them. I sincerely hope someday, you’ll be able to love with all your heart and be loved completely without any inhibitions. There is no sweeter experience life can offer you….
Love,
Dad
