All alone, Sonnetti. Finally….
Lemme explain. Bro is still away at Dubai, making plans for his short Chennai visit. No relatives from Kerala are turning up. I am unoccupied as well over the weekend. Bro’s stop-start plans have forced me to drive out my permanent guests (Perhaps, I should not be calling them guests any longer; they spend a larger portion of time in the house than I do; maybe I am the guest). And yes, they have not yet been informed of Bro’s makeshift plans. Nobody’s around really.. two idiots are back at Kerala, while the third one had some business with his roommate (No dirty thoughts please). I was slightly tempted to call up someone who goes by the nickname Ammavan but the Grand Old Man had made up plans to be home during the weekend.
Which, in essence, all adds up to a lonely weekend at home. And a lonely Friday night to start with. Just the regular companions, giving me company – Coke and Tea (the latter after I licked off every drop of black gold in that 2-lt. bottle I bought tonight). Nobody giving me distractions. Not GTalk. Not Skype. Not FB. Not GMail. Not even my mobile, which for long, has not seen any late-night calls.
I don’t quite know though why I have come to love lonely nights of late. Its not just that I have been having loads of fun and laughter in my life recently, after a few not-so-bright months. Maybe its just that I get to look at my life and analyse every part of it – something I rarely do. Its not that I’ve been busy trying to mend the lives of people around me or try to bring sunshine and colors into their lives, but I’ve kept myself occupied with something or the other that very rarely have I given a thought to what I am doing with my life or where its all heading to. Maybe its just about time I did that, dear…
There’s a general idea though, on whats going to happen in the next few months. My career front will take a jump. My IIM prospects seem to be heading down the drain, and barring a miracle of sorts, I don’t see myself at Lucknow come June. BUT, some foreign university might come calling, there’ll be umpteen round of discussions with all and sundry on why one option is better than the other and finally, there’ll be a compromised consensus and I’ll get packed off. I have to say though, my dear, that it is not something I wish for at the moment. There was a point of time when I used to view studying abroad as a blessing (I still do, actually), but for now, my heart is set here in India. And it is not just about homesickness, my dear. There are other reasons too, which I’ll probably tell you when its time. The bottomline is ‘I Want To Stay’.
But, despite my childish, kiddish ‘ENICHU INJIA-YIL PADICHAAL MAJIIII’ claims, I know once MBA kicks in, I’ll hardly have time to think of the pros or the cons of my decision. And that applies whether I’m in India or not. All that means, is that, I’m gonna adjust even if I’m gonna pursue MBA in Timbuktu Business School.
As for my personal life, I am lost for words. I feel like Hitch at times; constantly catering to everyone else’s needs, while relegating my life to the background. Its not that I have had a load to fret about or analyse, but I believe I should probably have been doing that in my post-breakup (I hate that word!!) period, rather than have to see others through their difficult phases. Whats interesting is that because I had chosen not to mention a word of the split, friends have come to me with no inhibitions, expecting me to provide a solution for their personal troubles. I have obliged. It hasn’t helped them. Or me….
But then, all’s well that ends well. Yes, the large picture is not rosy and has not ended well, but to be fair, I did not anticipate this quick a recovery during the closing stages of 2011. That’s probably attributed to other positive developments – the CAT results and the IIM calls. They have helped in parking my personal troubles and sporting a smile on my face. (Unlike earlier, this time it was genuine; it was not everyday that an IIM called you up). I have reached a stage where I have adapted to her absence. There are occasions though, like tonight, when I wish I had done something more in the relationship. It doesn’t help; all it does is to bring my self-esteem crashing down and water my eyes. And I know I have only myself to blame. For letting a best friend become something more when everyone around me knew that it wasn’t going to work out.
But I’ve moved on. Its not easy, my dear, but when you have no option, you pick your feet up and just move on. Let me tell you my dear, there’ll be phases in your life when all seems to have gone down the drain, but I can tell you those will be just passing phases. I hope when you grow up, you’ll learn to accept that not all goes your way and that you’ll encounter hardships time and again. Life’s not easy, but it certainly is worth living. I hope you’ll remember that in every stage of your life. Its going to be worthwhile and you’ll realize it sooner or later.
Life’s good today. There are times when I look and envy at myself (:D). There are times when I realize that my so-called personal problems are nothing compared to the laundry list of problems some of my friends are going through. I have a wonderful family and some really splendid friends in my life. No names here, but some wonderful specimens have been so ever-present in my life that I have been able to smile and laugh from my heart. There’s no love life, but when you have these characters around you, you don’t get the feeling that you are not being loved. I know I am. And thats all I need.
My only fear then, as has been the case over the last few months, is on how she has been coping. My tensions have eased though. She’ll probably never be a hundred percent alright, but I believe she’ll get through. The occasional message or call only strengthens that belief. I know she’s doing well. In the aftermath of all that has happened, I can only think of it as a huge positive. The only positive, perhaps. Though its a mere consolation. She was a lovely person, my dear. And at the end of the day, its my loss. I cannot get myself to believe otherwise.
So while time flies by and my tea gets colder by the minute, let me kiss you Goodnight and finish off this Malayalam movie. Let me just remind you dear, that this is not an emotional night. Its just a nostalgic one – both in terms of experiencing the past and in terms of reflecting on it. No emotions really. Just love and prayers. And a whole lot of gratitude to the one above. For giving me this life. An enviable life. A life most people would readily want to swap with. A life filled with love and affection. A life amongst wonderful people; A life worth living. That’s all that matters ultimately. Nothing more. Nothing less….
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom…. - Proust
